It's a Saturday Evening.
I'm sitting in the common room of a hostel in Sydney.
People are getting to ready to go out and party.
The hallways, staircases and rooms filled with the separate groups of social circles.
The anti-social social circles.
2 or 3 hot girls protected by the many guys chasing them.
Playing Game of Thrones with each other on who will fuck the hottest girl.
The men objectify the women and thirst off the object that is her body.
And the women get high off the attention of the men.
I watch from the outside.
It is only natural for me to want to belong to a group as well.
To get external validation from my reality.
To have connection, affection, sex.
I despair over my lack of resources and loneliness
But I also have another perceptive…
Earlier I was at the gym listening to my favourite YouTube channel: Academy of Ideas
This channel is creepy, everytime I watch a video.
It's almost like I needed to hear that message right now, the timing is perfect.
It's like god himself made these videos for me.
The video I watched today was ‘Introduction to Kierkegaard'
I recommend you watch this video immediately.
It flipped my thinking like a switch.
The video talks about despair….
Then it breaks down despair as unconscious despaired and conscious despaired.
You see everyone is suffering, everyone has underlying despair.
A despair to become the true version of oneself.
Even those that have an plenty of resources.
Plenty of sex. Plenty of love. Plenty of money.
In fact they are the unconscious despaired.
Because they are gratifying themselves to not feel the pain.
And by doing so, they are not conscious of their own suffering.
So they are further away from truth and salvation.
The despairing man who is unconscious of being in despair is, in comparison with him who is conscious of it, merely a negative step further from the truth and from salvation. Despair itself is a negativity, unconsciousness of it is a new negativity. But to reach truth one must pierce through every negativity. For here applies what the fairy-tale recounts about a certain enchantment: the piece of music must be played through backwards; otherwise the enchantment is not broken. However, it is only in one sense, in a purely dialectical sense, that he who is unconscious of despair is further away from truth and salvation than the man who is conscious of his despair and yet remains in it. For in another sense, an ethical-dialectic sense, the despairing man who consciously remains in despair is further from salvation, since his despair is more intense. But unawareness is so far from removing despair, or of transforming despair into non-despair, that, on the contrary, it may be the most dangerous form of despair. By unconsciousness the despairing man is in a way secured (but to his own destruction) against becoming aware — that is, he is securely in the power of despair
I'm so lucky to be in conscious despair.
To be closer to the truth.
To be on the path of my finding oneself.